Ode to a Maggot (by Jess, Sil, and Joe)

If you don’t understand…ask Alex.

Let me begin in 1979
When President Jimmy Carter was doing just fine
When along came a one Alexander Jones
When Mike and Johann didn’t have many loans

So let’s start with a Happy Birthday to the old young at heart

SO many decades where to start?
Atleast we can say,
you’re still not an old fart!

Countless experiences we should write in a book
Into his life let’s have a look

lifelong efforts to describe his love in prose
flowers and sunsets were an inadequate mode
when it came to his wife out these swelling words rose
“Oh Miranda, my love you’re more beautiful than the ROAD!”

This just sets her heart assail
as she says “Oh Aghhlll! “
“For I too have written something for you!”
only one line am i allowed to share,
so buckle up, sit back in your chair

its true i am your wife, beautiful, fair and spunky
but I have to confess,
“I like em chunky, chunky”

A Hiker by nature, its the Jones’ way
Strap a cooler To your back pack
Make it a day

Fill it with food
Eggs and cheese
enough protein for two 3rd world countries!

You know you want to sleep in a shower bag
And no, that rubber sock is not a rag!
your steak candles make you feel like more of a man?
Think of another invention, oh He can!

Back in the day of jean shorts and a walkman
Those were the days Al couldn’t get a tan (oh wait he still can’t)
While floating down the river, with such ease
Due to his belly which we all love to tease.
Nearby Justin with no belly to help him float
Almost sunk until he saw a buoyant life boat
As Justin yells “Al give me your chubby belly!”
“And keep your feet away cuz I know they are smelly!”

Never ending old school ways
filled with stories that never cease to amaze

There was a time when smelling clean was best
So Al put that air freshner right to the test
a rub in each arm pit, a nice clean smell
then a burning feeling to rival the fires of hell.
To the nurse he ran, armpits aflame
another great story to add to his fame.

How bout the time with the EZ Pass toll
And al asked if he could go thru at 50 or so?
Multiple fast trips, blazing the trail
how many tickets did he get in the mail?

Forgive me if you think I am going to slow
that’s what al thought of our whirlpool you know
In that quiet voice only the closest could hear
“Faster You Maggots” was his quiet jeer

Al sometimes thinks his words can’t be heard
But we heard you that day with your little box of nerds
“i love these!!”

as always quickly followed with “get to da chopper”
and another famous quote “you moppin’ mopper”
Sean Connery and Arnold, he loves to quote
And he’s the best at it – we took a vote!

A 4lb steak and playing with a leach
falling off the pier while collecting shells at the beach
“i love that happy little head” and
“get yur butt of bed”
Al, your the best, so this poem we read.

So on you birthday relax, cuddle with your wife and get cozy,
Forget all about those times in your 30 years when you were feelin kinda woozy.
sit back, Kick back, hang out with your 2 faithful cainines that have tails that always wag
Shun from your mind that time you had to say… Ummm where’s that barf bag.

We wish you happy birthday
and keep the stories coming
Your only turning 30
so don’t be bumming

Tommy’s Big Space Adventure Part 2: The Valley of the Sun (by Justin)

Tommy sat under a palm tree on the shore of the lake in center of the Valley On The Sun. The water here was cool and refreshing and little fish danced around under the water.
“Golly Mr. Palm Tree 32, what a nice day today. I’m going swimming soon.” A coconut fell from the tree and landed on Tommy’s foot.
“Ow, Mr. Palm Tree 32, I’m sure that was a mistake, so I’m not mad at you.” And Tommy hugged the tree. Another coconut fell and just missed Tommy’s head.
As he was walking towards the water, a flamingo flew down next to Tommy.
“AWK! Going swimming Tommy?”
“Yes Mr.. Flamingo, I’m a little warm, and it’s a nice day for swimming.”
“AWK! It sure is Tommy, be sure to let Mr.. Crocodile know that you are swimming today, I’m sure he would love to swim with you.”
“Hey, thanks Mr.. Flamingo you sure are a nice guy!”
“AWK-hahahaha-AWK.”
Tommy skipped to the edge of the water and took off his shirt. He jumped into the water and floated on his back in the cool, refreshing water and looked up at the sky. It was a bright, burning red/orange today, just like every day. As he floated there, Mr. Crocodile bobbed up next to him. He gave Tommy a toothy grin and said, “Tommy, swimming today are you? Nice day for it.”
“Mr. Crocodile! have you come to swim with me?”
“Kind of Tommy, kind of.” And he floated behind Tommy where Tommy couldn’t see him anymore.
“Gee”, and an antique set of fine silver table setting embedded itself into the crocodile’s skull and he sunk under the water a distant electronic “DARN IT!” was heard, “Sure is nice of you to come swim with me. Mr. Crocodile, are you there?” Tommy looked around and didn’t see Mr. Crocodile anymore.
“Hmmm, must have been tired.” and Tommy swam back to the beach.
He laid back under tree and ate one of the coconuts that had fallen. “I wonder what the other planets are like. I bet they are just as fun as the sun is. I should go to them.”
“AWK! Yes Tommy, get out of here, leave us in peace!”
“You’d miss me Mr. Flamingo.”
“Yea, like I’d miss having the plague Tommy.”
“I’m going for a walk, would you like to come Mr. Flamingo?”
“Will I be able to peck your eyes out?”
“Oh ho ho ho! You’re so funny Mr. Flamingo, I’ll see you later!”
“Not if I’m lucky.”
Tommy set off into the field towards the woods.
“Wow, Mr. Grass you sure are getting tall! I hope you get as tall as me some day.” A breeze made a blade of grass poke Tommy in the eye.
“Hi, Mr. Antelope! Where’s the rest of the herd today?”
“They heard you coming and stampeded.”
“And you stayed just to see me? You’re the best Mr. Antelope.” Tommy hugged Mr. Antelope with a big grin on his face.
“Touch me again kid, and you’ll see the business end of these horns.”
“Oh ho ho ho! I love you Mr. Antelope, bye bye!”
“Little rat….”
Tommy skipped towards the woods, “Hi, Mrs. Lion.” on his way by.
“AUGH! Tommy come help me!” Yelled Mr. Antelope.
“Aww, Mr. Antelope and Mrs. Lion are playing, how sweet. I wish I could play with them, but they’re too big for me to play with.”
“I’m coming back for you kid! Blllarrrhhhahwohahwoa.”
Tommy got the woods and breathed in the deep woodsy smell of the forest. “I love it here.” and he skipped into the woods.
“Oh bugger, are you back again. Haven’t you been eaten by anything yet?” Said Mr. Chipmunk.
“Who would want to eat me, everyone loves me!”
“Sad, so sad.” and he jumped back down his burrow.
“I wish I had a burrow to go in, then I’d invite Mr. Chipmunk over for tea and crumpets!”
Deeper in the woods Tommy came to the stream. He stopped and took a drink from the water. A snake head looked up at him from the water as he drank.
“Mr. Water Moccasin! You’re looking well today.”
“I just ate my young and a school of small fish, if I could eat anything else, it’d be you. Although I suppose I could just bite you and eat you after I’ve digested this food in 2 weeks.”
“Golly, that sounds fun. But I think I’m going to go visit some other planets.”
“You’re leaving? That’s great! We can go back to normal!”
“Oh ho ho ho”, a coconut dropped out of the sky and landed with a thud next to Tommy’s hand and splashed water all over him. “You’d miss me, Mr. Water Moccasin. Want to come with me?”
Mr. Water Moccasin gave him a contemptuous look and slithered away.
“I think I’ll leave today, I’m sure all my friends on the space ship will be happy to see me again, especially Mr. Food-O-Matic.”
A cheer erupted from all sides of the forest. “Sounds like everyone will miss me! I’ll miss them all too.” A roll of toilet paper flew over Tommy’s head and a wolf skipped past Tommy singing.
When he got back to the beach, Tommy packed up his backpack and set off towards the spaceship. The singing and cheering could still be heard as he stepped into the ship.
“Hi everyone, I’m back! Did you all miss me?”
“Beep.”
“No.”
A slab of raw beef flew out of the kitchen and hit Tommy in the face.
“Lets go to Mercury Mr. Computer, my Mommy said Mercury was a car, and I’d like to see a big car floating in space!”
“Can’t I just blow the ship up and end our miserable lives?”
“Oh ho ho ho”, a loud thud sounded on the side of a spaceship, “You like to joke, that’s for sure, Mr. Computer.”
And with the sound of the beeping computer, Tommy laid on his bed and went to sleep dreaming of a big floating car in space.

Tommy’s Big Space Flight to the Sun (by Justin)

Tommy looked out the window of the space ship. The earth was like a huge, moldy blueberry, with all the green and blue. He smiled brightly as he took in the vastness of space. “I’m so happy to be visiting the sun Mr. Astronaut.”
“Beep.” Said Mr. Astronaut.
“I agree, it is a nice day today. How long until we are there Mr. Computer?”
“ETA 33 years until Tommy is burnt to a crisp and out of our lives forever.”
“Oh gee! Only 33 more years! I think I’ll take a nap and when I get up maybe we’ll be there.”
“We can only hope Tommy, that will make this long ride infinitely more enjoyable not having to see your ugly mug.”
“Good night Mr. Computer, I love you too.”
“I hope you choke on your own tongue Tommy.”
So Tommy went into his chamber, still smiling and humming.
“Gee, 33 years and I’ll be in the Sun. Mommy said it’d be fun there and all the little forest animals and I will be happy to play with me there. I could sure use some hot chocolate before I go to bed. Mr. Food-O-Matic, can I please have some Hot Chocolate?”
“Coming right up Tommy, enjoy!”, said Mr. Food-O-Matic.
It was really good hot chocolate once Tommy picked out the razor blades and thumbtacks. “Gee thanks, Mr. Food-O-Matic, you’re the best.”
“Note to self, create more antifreeze to put in Tommy’s hot chocolate.”
“Is that to keep my Hot Chocolate warm, Mr. Food-O-Matic?”
“Sure. If that shuts you up.”
After his Hot Chocolate Tommy yawned and laid down in his bed and fell asleep. He dreamed of dancing on the Sun with Mr. Squirrel, and Mr. Macaw, and Mr. Wolf, and Mr. Turtle, and Mr. Food-O-Matic. Singing and dancing in the forests and ponds on the far side of the sun where Mommy said there was no fire and finally never trouble her again. Tommy sat up and said to himself, “Gee…” And ducked as a steak knife flew out of the Food-O-Matic and embedded itself in Tommy’s headboard.
“Keep up the Gee Tommy, see how far you get!” Yelled Mr. Food-O-Matic.
“Nice shot, Mr. Food-O-Matic! Share and Enjoy!”
“How long now, Mr. Computer?”
“Tommy, you slept for 20 minutes, it’s still 33 years. Now leave me alone, you don’t need to talk to me for the rest of the trip.”
“Oh, you’d miss me Mr. Computer.”
“Yea Tommy, like a Trojan virus in my upper memory.”
“Ha ha Mr. Computer, I love you.”
“Get lost Tommy, isn’t there anywhere you could be right now?”
And as a matter of fact, there was! Tommy went and visited the storage hangar, where cardboard trees and grass and lakes had been set up to make Tommy feel at home.
“Hello, Mr. Cardboard Squirrel! Looking good today!”
The Cardboard Squirrel stared at him malevolently.
“Thanks, Mr. Cardboard Squirrel, I do feel good. Mr. Cardboard Macaw, how are you today?”
A dollop of white cardboard landed on Tommy’s forehead.
“Oh ho ho ho, Mr. Cardboard Macaw, you’re funny. Where’s Mr. Cardboard Turtle?”
Propped up against a cardboard tree was Mr. Cardboard Turtle.
“Mr. Cardboard Turtle, would you like some cardboard fish for lunch?”
The tree that Mr. Cardboard Turtle was leaning against fell over and hit Tommy in the top of the head. A tiny cardboard grin crossed Mr. Cardboard Turtle’s face.
“Owie, now my head is sad. I’m going back to my bed.”
Tommy walked to his bed and laid down again and fell right asleep.
When Tommy woke up it was considerably brighter in the shuttle.
“Mr. Computer are we close now?”
“Buggerit all kid, you slept for a day, it’s still 33 years! Ask me again and I’m shutting off your oxygen.”
“Gee,” A thud sounded behind Tommy and the end of a kabob skewer stuck through the wall, “I’m so excited I can’t wait much longer. Mr. Astronaut, can you turn the speed to run. I always go faster when I run.”
“Beep.”
“Ok, thanks. Maybe that’ll get us there faster.”
“Beep.”
“What are you going to do at the Sun, Mr. Astronaut.”
“BEEP”
“I hope you can do that there.”
Tommy spent the rest of the day swimming in the cardboard lake with the cardboard fishes. Mr. Cardboard Turtle only bit him four times too. All in all, it was a good day for Tommy. That night, after a nice meal of chicken noodle soup that only had 3 or 4 chunks of jagged metal, Tommy watched out the window at space. He missed his mom and her hot chocolate. He started to feel sad.
“I know what’ll cheer me up!”
“I’m not playing with you Tommy.” Said Mr. Computer.
“Beep.” said Mr. Astronaut.
A quivering spork in the back of his seat was the only answer he got from Mr. Food-O-Matic.
“I’m going outside for a while.” Said Tommy.
As he slipped into his suit, he heard everyone cheering and laughing. A champagne cork flew past his head from where Mr. Food-O-Matic was.”All my friends are so nice, I wish they could come out and play with me.”
The airlock door opened and Tommy went outside, walking along the spaceship to a lawn chair that was bolted to the top.
“What a nice day. Mr. Sun sure is bright out here. I can’t wait to see him close up.”
“Tommy, you know when you get there it’s going to burn you horribly, but quickly, right?” said Mr. Alien.
“Mr. Alien! I missed you!”
Mr. Alien pulled out the metal rod that he always carried with him. “Time to play What Did Tommy eat today.”
“Oh gee!”, a light plink from underneath him sounded, “That’s a fun game!”
“You sicken me Tommy, I’m outta here. If the rest of you people are like this, taking over your planet will be cake.”
“Can I have some cake too Mr. Alien”
“Xarquan’s Singing Fish.” and Mr. Alien took off .
Tommy waved and smiled. “Mr. Alien is nice. Time to eat some dinner.”
So Tommy went back inside and took off his suit. He pulled a set of barbeque tongs from the ceiling and shook his head laughing, “Oh, that Mr. Food-O-Matic.”
“I want something different Mr. Food-O-Matic. How about cheerios and sausages.”
A loud Ding! sounded when Mr. Food-O-Matic was done. A steaming bowl of sausages and cheerios came out. Milk poured in and a spoon popped out and bounced off Tommy’s forehead. Smiling to himself and rubbing his forehead , Tommy ate his dinner, picking out the broken glass from the sausages.
“Curse it!” Said Mr. Food-O-Matic.
“Mr Computer, do you have anything that will make me sleep longer? So when i wake up, we’ll almost be there.”
“I could get Mr. Astronaut to hit you upside the head with his fist. That’ll knock you out for a while.”
Everything went suddenly white and Tommy, smiling again, fell asleep.
Time passed……
and passed some more……
and passed even longer……
“Good morning Mr. Computer! How much longer today?”
“Tommy, this is the 12044th time you’ve asked me since we left. Do the math you little freak.”
“Ok, ummm 33 years times, how many days in a year Mr. Astronaut?”
“Beep.”
“Thanks, so 33 years times 365, is uh, um, uhhh, ummm…”
“12045 idiot.”
“Thanks Mr. Computer! That means only one more day and we’ll be there!”
“Thank the stars for that, tomorrow you’ll be out of my misery!”
“I’m going to go outside and watch it!”
“Wow, so we’ll be free even earlier. Go for it.”
Outside, Tommy sat in his lawnchair watching their approach to the sun.
“Sure is bright out here. Kinda warm too. I think I’ll go to the beach once I land.”
“Tommy, tomorrow is your last day in the universe. Me and the guys inside are going to party it up.”
“Oh gee a party!” Clink. Clink. Clink. Clank. CLank, CLANNNGGGG!
“Peace out Tommy, won’t be seeing you tomorrow.”
“Bye Mr. Alien!”
Back inside, Tommy was so excited he didn’t notice the cutlery, and a big deer antler sticking in the ceiling.
“I can’t even sleep Mr. Computer and Mr. Astronaut, I’m too excited!”
“Beep.”
That night, Tommy ate a big dinner that may or may not have had steel wool. He laid in his bed and looked out the window, the spaceship had a neat orange glow to it now. “A couple more hours and I’ll be there. I need a good night’s sleep so I can play tomorrow!” So he fell asleep, dreaming of singing and dancing on the sun.
The next day he woke up to brightness and he was sweating a bit.
“Are we there Mr. Astronaut?”
“Beep.”
Tommy put on his spacesuit after getting a popsicle from Mr. Food-O-Matic. He walked outside and stepped onto the ground.
“Sure is bright here. Hot too. I don’t see any forest animals or lakes or trees though. Maybe I need to walk to them over that hill there.”
And sure enough, over the hill was a big green valley with a river running right down the middle of it to a big lake.
Smiling, he set off to his next big adventure.

Prelude to Dr. Boom’s: How Andy Stole Christmas (by Tom)

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
One soul was stirring, but it wasn’t a mouse.
Andy sat waiting all day and all night
For the fat jolly man to enter his sight.
Island Slayer rested, set down on his knee
As Andy waited, restless with glee.
Poor Santa will never know what hit him,
He’ll blow him to bits,
And all the presents will be Andy’s
Those poor little gits.

Tommy (by Justin)

Tommy M was walking through the woods one evening when Mr Squirrel came by with a sack full of Beechnuts.
“Hi Mr Squirrel, what is there in your sack?” asked little Tommy.
“Read the previous line up you shmuck and leave my sack alone.” said Mr Squirrel.
“Mr Squirrel you’re awful cantankerous today! I think you need a hug!”
“Hug me kid and this won’t be the only thing I’m going to bury today.”
So Mr Squirrel skittered off into the woods, leaving little Tommy alone.
Tommy was sad after Mr Squirrel was mean to him. He started to snuffle a little bit, but said , “I’m a big boy! I’m not going to cry!” And he didn’t. So, Tommy kept walking through the woods, looking for his woodland friends to talk to and play with. “SCRAWWWWW!!!!” said Mr. Macaw, “Hi Tommy!”
“Mr. Macaw! So good to see you!”
“SCRAWWW!! Same to you Tommy, what are you doing in the woods today?”
“Walking, Mr. Macaw, talking to all my woodland friends.”
“SCRAWWW!! But we all hate you Tommy, especially Mr Squirrel. Now shutup Tommy and go away!”
Mr. Macaw flew off into Mr. Beech Tree No 475 and ruffled his tail feathers at Tommy.
“You guys don’t hate me.” mumbled Tommy, who was getting sad again. “I’ll find my other friends.”
Down the trail further Tommy sat down on a log to rest. He took off his shoes and put his feet into the stream. He wiggled his toes and thought to himself, “I wonder if my toes will get any bigger?”. Then out of the water crawled Mr. Snapping Turtle and looked up at him. “Tommy, why do you still come here?”
“To see all my woodland friends, Mr. Snapping Turtle. And how are you this fine day.”
“I’m hungry and you wiggling your toes like that makes me hungrier. So unless you want ‘em bitten off, I’d suggest you stop that.”
“Oh ho ho ho Mr. Turtle you’d never hurt me.”
“Tommy, I’d eat you alive right now if I had a bigger mouth. Make yourself useful and bring me something to eat. Freak.” And he swam back under the water.
“Oooo, Mr Turtle needs my help! I’m going to get him the best lunch ever!” And Tommy ran deeper into the woods. It was starting to get late, Tommy knew, but he wasn’t afraid of Mr. Dark at all. His woodland buddies would be there with him. And he smiled as he skipped through the woods, looking for Mr Turtles lunch. A few minutes later, Tommy came upon another stream, and there swimming around in there was Mr. and Mrs. Perch 1-22.
“Mr. Turtle likes eating fish! That’s for sure!” Tommy jumped in the water and started to catch the fish.
“Tommy, what have we ever done to you!” yelled the perch as he plucked them out of the water and onto the shore.
“You stink Tommy! We’re going to get you for this!”
Whistling, Tommy caught the rest of the perch and putting them in his bag he skipped back to where Mr. Turtle was.
“Mr. Turtle, I have your lunch!”. Tommy took the perch out of his bag and put them on the ground. Mrs. Perch 5 whispered to him, “I hope you die a horrible death, Tommy. Gurrrrggggglllee.”
Mr Turtle came up out of the water and ate a few of the wish, urinated on Tommy’s foot and waded back into the water.
“You’re welcome Mr. Turtle!” said Tommy, waving after him.
” …te me, Tommy.” Was all Tommy heard as Mr. Turtle dunked under the water.
“He’s my buddy, I love Mr. Turtle.”
It was getting quite late and the forest was starting to get dark. “I think I’ll go home now.”
Tommy was skipping back down the path whistling to himself, not far from home, when Mr. Owl flew past Tommy. “Whoooo is going to die tonight?” he said as he flew by Tommy.
“Oh ho ho ho! Mr. Owl, you’re so funny.”
“Run Tommy, run!”
The woods were now almost pitch black and Timmy was having a hard time seeing to far in front of him. “Home is close by, and I’ll get a hug from mom, and drink some hot chocolate and sit by the fire.” Little did Tommy know that on the trail ahead Mr. Wolf was sitting licking himself. Whistling happily Tommy was skipping along when BAM! Tommy fell flat on his face in a mass of smelly fur and sharp things.
“The H-monkeys are you doing Tommy? Watch where you’re going.” growled Mr. Wolf.
“Sorry, Mr. Wolf, it’s dark and so are you!”
“All I hear are excuses. Now go away before I eat you.”
“Oh ho ho ho, Mr Wol….”
“IF I HEAR OH HO HO HO ONE MORE TIME, I’LL CUT YOU!” yelled Mr. Macaw. “SCRAWWWW”
“Mr Wolf, do you think my toes will get any bigger?”
“Keep asking me questions like that and the only thing that’s going to get bigger is my stomach.”
“Is that a yes, Mr. Wolf?”
“You sicken me kid.” and Mr. Wolf walked away into the woods, where he caught and ate Mr. Rabbit. “Tommy save me!’ yelled Mr. Rabbit while Mr. Wolf feasted on his still living body.
“Ha ha ha, Mr Rabbit, you’re such a kidder!”
“I will end you boy! AHHHHHH!”
A few minutes later Tommy saw the light in the window of his house. His mom was in the kitchen, probably making his hot chocolate right now. He smiled brightly and walked inside. “Mommy, I’m home! I helped Mr. Turtle get his lunch!”
“I don’t care Tommy, Mr. Turtle hates you, so does the rest of them.”
“They are just fooling when they say that Mommy.”
“No really, everyone hates you Tommy, you’re 28 years old and still skipping and whistling in the woods calling everything Mr. or Mrs. It’s sick and unnatural. Just like you.”
“Do you think my toes will get any bigger mommy?”
“Sure, whatever, here’s your hot chocolate.”
“Oh boy, hot chocolate! You’re the best mommy.”
“Shutup Tom.”

THE END!