Tommy was skipping through the treelined streets of Paris….
“Hello Mr. Tree No. 2309! “said Tommy.
“I hope someone cuts me down right now so I fall right on your head you wierdo,” replied Mr. Tree No. 2309.
“Why Hello Mr. Cheese-eating surrender monkey No. 34,598! I see Mr. Curly Mustache and Mr. Booger are visiting you today. O, how fun!” Tommy said. “Why do you have your hands in the air?”
Mr. Cheese-eating surrender monkey No. 34,598 spat out hatefully, “Tais toi, you”…”mother of mary, we really need a better border patrol,” chimed in Mr. Curly Mustache.
“Haha, better border patrol, it sounds like you don’t want me here, but I know thats not true Mr. Mustache, cause you’re my friend.”
Tommy continued on his way. “Hello Mr. Grasshopper, whoa-ho-ho that was a high jump! Do it again!”
Mr. Grasshopper couldn’t take it, only yesterday he had lost his entire family to Tommy showing them his new Irish jig dance.
“AAAAAAAUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH,” screamed Mr. Grasshopper as he flew at Tommy in his rage.
“Gee someone must need a hug today,” Tommy said as he waited, arms stretched out ready to hug Mr. Grasshopper.
A cutting board flew by Tommy and suddenly Mr. Grasshopper was gone. In the distance Tommy heard the muffled cry, “Curses!”
“Mr. Food-O-Matic? Is that you?” “Hmm, I must have imagined it, I wish he was here though, he is such a good friend,” said Tommy.
As Tommy continued down the treelined street he saw the Eiffel Tower. “Wow, Mr. Effiel Tower you are tall! Why do you have a white flag on your head,” Tommy asked.
“Go home Tommy, no one likes you,” replied Mr. Eiffel Tower.
“Oh-ho-ho, you are so silly Mr…” Tommy started to reply. He never finished his sentence though. Something had caught his attention.
A flying object was going directly towards the Effiel Tower, it had flames coming out of the back of it.
“Mr. Eiffel Tower, I think something bad is about to happen, you should run away!, cried Tommy.
“Yeah, cause I can run….” responded Mr. Effiel Tower.
BOOOOM!!!!! Tommy was throw back onto the ground. “What happened Mr. Eiffel Tower? questioned Tommy as he got up and dusted himself off. But when he turned around Mr. Eiffel Tower wasn’t there.
“Oh yeeaa, we are playing hide and go seek, ready or not here I come Mr. Eiffel Tower! said Tommy.
As Tommy started to look he noticed more and more of the flying, flaming objects, more and more BOOMS, and more and more buildings disappear.
“Mr. Church!?” “Mrs. Crossant Shop?” “Mr Monument!?” “Mr. Louvre Musuem?” “Where did you all go? asked Tommy.
Then Tommy noticed where the flying, flaming objects were coming from. “I’ll go ask whoever is making those things fly, I bet they will know. Gee, it sure is far away, oh well, it will give me time to skip and sing.” So Tommy set off thinking, “How fun, this is, my first mystery. Oh darn, I forgot Mr. Magnifying Glass at home.”
So Tommy skipped and sang “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts” all the way there, and when he got there it happened to be an abandoned warehouse.
“Hello Mr. Warehouse, how are you doing today? asked Tommy.
A steel beem fell heavily with a loud ringing clang directly in front of Tommy.
“Thanks Mr. Warehouse, now I don’t have to walk on Mr. Broken Glass.”
Tommy knew the flying, flaming things were coming from the top of the building, so he found the stairs and started going up them.
“Sorry I stepped on you Mr. Stair No. 5, my apologizes Mr. Stair No.12, ouch that must have hurt Mr. Stair No. 32!
“Shutup Tommy,” shouted Mr. Stair No. 1-54 in unison.
Tommy finally made it all the way to the top of Mr. Warehouse and he saw someone there.
“Why hello, I haven’t met you before, what is your name Mister? asked Tommy.
The man was so engulfed with firing his bazooka he hadn’t noticed Tommy until he said hello.
“Andy. Now go away before I introduce you to Island Slayer, ” the man replied.
“Very nice to meet you Mr. Andy, and I would like nothing better than to meet Mr. Island Slayer. Can I, can I please? said Tommy.
So Andy whipped Island Slayer around and fired a round past Tommys head.
“Whoa so you’re the one sending out the pretty fireworks. Can I do it? pleaded Tommy with a twitching anxiousness.
“You come near me and I throw you off the building and send a rocket through your back on the way down, you freakish little person.” replied Mr. Andy, knowing he could do that exactly and that it would be a lot of fun.
“You sure do say funny things Mr. Andy. But the reason I came here was to ask you if you know where Mr. Eiffel Tower and Mr. Church, and Mrs. Crossant Shop, and Mr. Monument, and Mr. Louvre Musuem are all hiding. We are playing hide and go seek! said Tommy.
“Well Tommy, you see, hmmm, how do I say this so, as you would say, Mr. Tears don’t come out to play…..I blew them up” Mr. Andy said matter of factly with a huge grin on his face.
“What do you mean?” asked Tommy.
“Do you know about Mr. Heaven and Mr. Hell Tommy?
“Yes” Tommy replied.
“Well I sent them all on their way” Mr. Andy said while loading another round into Island Slayer.
“Gee, that makes me sad all over” said Tommy, fighting back tears.
Thwack! A fork was lodged into the rooftop next to Tommys foot.
“Thats Mr. Food-O-Matic’s fork, I would recognize it anywhere. Mr. Food-O-Matic where are you? cried Tommy at the top of his lungs.
“Oh crap!” said Mr. Food-O-Matic, “I knew I should have used the broken glass I picked up downstairs.”
“Mr. Food-O-Matic I want you to meet my new friend, Mr. Andy. Mr. Andy I want you to meet my best friend, Mr. Food-O-Matic.” Tommy shouted in a gleeful voice while jumping up and down.
“I’m not your friend, I can’t even stand the sight of your skinny freakish self.” replied Mr. Food-O-Matic and Mr. Andy in unison.
While the three of them were talking an army had gathered below the building and were preparing to attack the person who was decimating their city.
Mr. Andy looked over the side of the building, and his eyes lit up like Tommys does when he sees Mr. Squirrel or Mr. Computer.
“Tommy I want you to stand on the edge of the building for me.” said Mr. Andy.
“It sounds dangerous, but I trust you Mr. Andy. Don’t shake Mr. Warehouse.” said Tommy.
As soon as Tommy got up on the edge a rain of bullets shot up at him and he just jumped out of the way in time.
“Gee Mr. Bullets No. 1-589 were sure happy to see me, did you see how they tried to hug me as soon as they saw me.”
Thwack! A knife went right past Tommys head and embedded itself into the wall next to Mr. Andy.
“Sorry, its this reflex I have when I hear Tommy say ‘Gee.” said Mr. Food-O-Matic.
“Oh-ho-ho Mr. Food-O-Matic, you’re so funny.” laughed Tommy.
“Tommy, I have an idea,” said Mr. Andy, “you are going to go talk to the army.” and Mr. Andy whispered something into his ear.
“Alright Mr. Andy I trust you,” said Tommy, “after can we get lemon pops?”
“Shutup and go Tommy!” replied Mr. Andy as he readied Island Slayer with the memory of his time spent in China going through his head.
When Tommy got down and out of the warehouse, he started talking to the army. “Hi Mr. French Legion Guy No. 25, gee, you must be awfully hot in that hat.” “How are you doing today Mr. Tassles, gee, I like how you wave in the wind like that.” “Gee, Mr. Knife you sure do look sharp, be careful or someone might get hurt.”
As Tommy pasted through the army on the way to the generals tent he made sure to say something to everyone he passed, and as Mr. Andy instructed, said “Gee” the entire time he was doing it.
Knives, forks, toothpicks, frying pans, a stove with the burners on, plastic spoons, glass, a kitchen sink, and a slushie just how Tommy likes it (with nails) were all being flung at Tommy from Mr. Food-O-Matic, and every time he missed Tommy, it hit Mr. French Legion. Every once in a while Tommy could hear Mr. Food-O-Matic yelling curses and various other phrases Tommy didn’t understand.
“I’ll have to ask my mom what that means when I get home,” Tommy told himself.
Tommy finally got to Mr. French General, and to his suprise Mr. French President was also there.
“Hi Mr. French General and Mr. French President, why do the women of this country have so much hair under their arms?” asked Tommy.
“Tommy you stupid little American, do you have any idea what you have done here? they asked him.
“Gee I just wanted to be friends with French people cause I read on the internet about how no one likes you.”
Thwack! Thwack! Big serving fork and a flaming serving spoon lodged into Mr. French Generals and Mr. French Presidents heads.
“Hmm, they must be tired, and thats why they laid down all of the sudden” thought Tommy.
Mr. Andy and Mr. Food-O-Matic met up with Tommy.
“Tommy Mr. Capital Building told me he wants you to be the new French president and stay with him forever.” Mr Andy lied.
“OH YEA! They wouldn’t let me in there before, I’m going to have so much fun talking with Mr. Desk, and Mr. Pencil, and Mr. Lamp, and Mrs. Curtains, and Dr. Memo No. 450.” cried Tommy with joy.
Mr. Andy and Mr. Food-O-Matic left Tommy at Mr. Capital Building and laughed the whole way out of France (while occasionally blowing stuff up with Island Slayer).
Tommy sighed, “I am so happy here with my new friends.”
“Hey Tommy see if you can stuff me all the way into your mouth,” yelled Mr. Oversized Pillow.
“Ouch! Dr. Memo No. 450 you gave me a paper cut.
