Every Noob
Down in Noob-ville
Liked Christmas a lot….
But Andy and his Island Slayer
Who lived just north of Noob-ville
Did NOT!
Andy hated Christmas! The whole Christmas stinkin’ season, and he will blow you up if you ask for a reason.
It could be his head just wasn’t right.
Or perhaps his underwear was too tight. But I think, I will take a chance,
And guess it was that all those Noobs were from France.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His head, underwear, or their stupid berets.Andy stood there on Christmas Eve, and knew he hated those surrender monkey Noobs on any given day.
Staring down from his cave through his scope with a frown at the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For Andy knew every Noob down in Noob-ville beneath was busy now, hanging their pastry puff wreath.
“And they’re hanging their stockings!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s almost here!”
Then Andy growled, with his finger twitching dangerously close to Island Slayer’s trigger,
“I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”
For tomorrow, he knew…
All the Noob girls and boys
Would wake bright and early. They’d rush for their toys!
And then! Oh the noise! Oh the noise! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Thats the one thing he hated!
Well thats not true, he hated the fact that their women were hairy, and how they were always waving that stupid white flag.
“I surrender,” was almost all he ever heard, you think through their boring history they could come up with another word. Their nation did produce those sweet little candies, but the world looked at the French as just multiplying the pansies.
His reasons for hating them could go on and on.
After the presents
The Noobs, young and old, all ugly alike
Would sit down to feast
And they’d FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
Stupid gits, they’d eat so much they’d have to be rolled home.
They would feast on Noob-pudding, and rare Noob-roast-beast.
This was something Andy couldn’t stand in the least.
And THEN!
They’d do something
He liked least of all!
Those Noobs down in Noob-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, stench and all, with Christmas bells ringing,
They’d stand hand in hand.
And the Noobs would start singing that nasally screech.
They’d screech and they’d screech. SCREECH! SCREECH! SCREECH!
And the more Andy thought of this Noob-Christmas-screeching,
The more he thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
Why, for one whole year he had put up with this now (no one said Andy was patient).
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!”
“But How?”
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
An Andy idea!
Andy got a glorious, awful, Andy idea.
It did not bode well for the Noobs
As soon as Andy got in one of these moods.
“I know just what to do!” Andy laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santa hat and coat.
He chuckled and he laughed as he thought about the death and destruction he would bring to pass.
“I could just blow them all off the ground, but if i wear this disguise i can wander around, and steal what I want from their stupid town.
“All I need is a reindeer…,” he thought to himself.
Andy looked around.
But, since all the reindeer in the area were dust on the wind from Andy using them as target practice for his Island Slayer, he couldn’t use one of those.
Did that get Andy down, NO!
He went out and wrestled a grizzly bear down.
Antlers tied to its head,
Andy was now ready to go make those Noobs dead.
Then,
He loaded some bags, and a huge empty sack
And made sure Island Slayer lay across his back.
To a sleek little sleigh he hooked up the bear,
and proceeded down the mountain with speed and no care.
All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Noobs were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When Andy came to the first ugly french house in the square.
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney without so much as a squeeze.
When he got down he took a look around.
All the little Noob stockings were hung in a row.
Andy said to himself, “These will be the first things to blow!”
Then he crawled and he snuck, while a smile on his face,
And every single present he did replace.
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums! Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
He replaced these gifts with gunpowder, dynamite, nitroglycerine galore. He even put a hydrogen bomb in a box on the floor, next to the tree he carved out of C4.
Next he went to the icebox with care.
He cleaned it out and left a single exploding flare.
Then he stuffed all the toys and food he replaced up the chimney with glee, and even took the old christmas tree.
Andy grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like a nasally dove.
He turned around fast, and saw a small ugly Noob!
Little Laquisha-Rafonda Noob, who wasn’t more than two.
Andy had been caught by this ugly Noob daughter,
Who’d got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at Andy, beholding the sight, and asked, “Santy Claus, why? Why are you taking the Christmas tree?
But Andy was quick, he didn’t hesitate, he told her broken Christmas lights he did hate.
“I’ll take it to my shop, fix it up there, then bring it back here.”
And his lie fooled the child. “Stupid git,” thought Andy.
He patted her on the head, not a little ruff, he laid her out cold, and threw her into bed.
He wasn’t at all sorry, she hit her head.
He went back to the chimney and stuffed up the tree.
Then he reached down took the log for the fire, and replaced it with as much TNT as his heart did desire.
Then he did the same thing to every other Noobs houses.
It was quarter past dawn…
All the Noobs still in bed
All the Noobs still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled.
Packed up their presents, feast, ribbons, and toys.
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it.
And dump he did without hesitation, then he turned around to cause more devistation.
Andy found a nice perch where he could see the town, he swung Island Slayer around, put the scope to his eye and said to himself, “Ok you french Noobs, prepare to die!”
He fired one shot
And put a hand to his ear.
Then came a joyous sound to Andy’s ear,
explosions, blasts, and the Noobs dying screams.
Bangs, and Booms echoed in the crisp air, then came the hydrogen bombs….
To disperse the Noobs ashes without care.
Andy looked down on the crater he created,
he smiled and was pleased.
No more nasally screeching, no more white flags. All that was left was a couple of extra frags.
