Tommy meets Mr. Andy

Tommy was skipping through the treelined streets of Paris….
“Hello Mr. Tree No. 2309! “said Tommy.
“I hope someone cuts me down right now so I fall right on your head you wierdo,” replied Mr. Tree No. 2309.
“Why Hello Mr. Cheese-eating surrender monkey No. 34,598! I see Mr. Curly Mustache and Mr. Booger are visiting you today. O, how fun!” Tommy said. “Why do you have your hands in the air?”
Mr. Cheese-eating surrender monkey No. 34,598 spat out hatefully, “Tais toi, you”…”mother of mary, we really need a better border patrol,” chimed in Mr. Curly Mustache.
“Haha, better border patrol, it sounds like you don’t want me here, but I know thats not true Mr. Mustache, cause you’re my friend.”
Tommy continued on his way. “Hello Mr. Grasshopper, whoa-ho-ho that was a high jump! Do it again!”
Mr. Grasshopper couldn’t take it, only yesterday he had lost his entire family to Tommy showing them his new Irish jig dance.
“AAAAAAAUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH,” screamed Mr. Grasshopper as he flew at Tommy in his rage.
“Gee someone must need a hug today,” Tommy said as he waited, arms stretched out ready to hug Mr. Grasshopper.
A cutting board flew by Tommy and suddenly Mr. Grasshopper was gone. In the distance Tommy heard the muffled cry, “Curses!”
“Mr. Food-O-Matic? Is that you?” “Hmm, I must have imagined it, I wish he was here though, he is such a good friend,” said Tommy.
As Tommy continued down the treelined street he saw the Eiffel Tower. “Wow, Mr. Effiel Tower you are tall! Why do you have a white flag on your head,” Tommy asked.
“Go home Tommy, no one likes you,” replied Mr. Eiffel Tower.
“Oh-ho-ho, you are so silly Mr…” Tommy started to reply. He never finished his sentence though. Something had caught his attention.
A flying object was going directly towards the Effiel Tower, it had flames coming out of the back of it.
“Mr. Eiffel Tower, I think something bad is about to happen, you should run away!, cried Tommy.
“Yeah, cause I can run….” responded Mr. Effiel Tower.
BOOOOM!!!!! Tommy was throw back onto the ground. “What happened Mr. Eiffel Tower? questioned Tommy as he got up and dusted himself off. But when he turned around Mr. Eiffel Tower wasn’t there.
“Oh yeeaa, we are playing hide and go seek, ready or not here I come Mr. Eiffel Tower! said Tommy.
As Tommy started to look he noticed more and more of the flying, flaming objects, more and more BOOMS, and more and more buildings disappear.
“Mr. Church!?” “Mrs. Crossant Shop?” “Mr Monument!?” “Mr. Louvre Musuem?” “Where did you all go? asked Tommy.
Then Tommy noticed where the flying, flaming objects were coming from. “I’ll go ask whoever is making those things fly, I bet they will know. Gee, it sure is far away, oh well, it will give me time to skip and sing.” So Tommy set off thinking, “How fun, this is, my first mystery. Oh darn, I forgot Mr. Magnifying Glass at home.”
So Tommy skipped and sang “I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts” all the way there, and when he got there it happened to be an abandoned warehouse.
“Hello Mr. Warehouse, how are you doing today? asked Tommy.
A steel beem fell heavily with a loud ringing clang directly in front of Tommy.
“Thanks Mr. Warehouse, now I don’t have to walk on Mr. Broken Glass.”
Tommy knew the flying, flaming things were coming from the top of the building, so he found the stairs and started going up them.
“Sorry I stepped on you Mr. Stair No. 5, my apologizes Mr. Stair No.12, ouch that must have hurt Mr. Stair No. 32!
“Shutup Tommy,” shouted Mr. Stair No. 1-54 in unison.
Tommy finally made it all the way to the top of Mr. Warehouse and he saw someone there.
“Why hello, I haven’t met you before, what is your name Mister? asked Tommy.
The man was so engulfed with firing his bazooka he hadn’t noticed Tommy until he said hello.
“Andy. Now go away before I introduce you to Island Slayer, ” the man replied.
“Very nice to meet you Mr. Andy, and I would like nothing better than to meet Mr. Island Slayer. Can I, can I please? said Tommy.
So Andy whipped Island Slayer around and fired a round past Tommys head.
“Whoa so you’re the one sending out the pretty fireworks. Can I do it? pleaded Tommy with a twitching anxiousness.
“You come near me and I throw you off the building and send a rocket through your back on the way down, you freakish little person.” replied Mr. Andy, knowing he could do that exactly and that it would be a lot of fun.
“You sure do say funny things Mr. Andy. But the reason I came here was to ask you if you know where Mr. Eiffel Tower and Mr. Church, and Mrs. Crossant Shop, and Mr. Monument, and Mr. Louvre Musuem are all hiding. We are playing hide and go seek! said Tommy.
“Well Tommy, you see, hmmm, how do I say this so, as you would say, Mr. Tears don’t come out to play…..I blew them up” Mr. Andy said matter of factly with a huge grin on his face.
“What do you mean?” asked Tommy.
“Do you know about Mr. Heaven and Mr. Hell Tommy?
“Yes” Tommy replied.
“Well I sent them all on their way” Mr. Andy said while loading another round into Island Slayer.
“Gee, that makes me sad all over” said Tommy, fighting back tears.
Thwack! A fork was lodged into the rooftop next to Tommys foot.
“Thats Mr. Food-O-Matic’s fork, I would recognize it anywhere. Mr. Food-O-Matic where are you? cried Tommy at the top of his lungs.
“Oh crap!” said Mr. Food-O-Matic, “I knew I should have used the broken glass I picked up downstairs.”
“Mr. Food-O-Matic I want you to meet my new friend, Mr. Andy. Mr. Andy I want you to meet my best friend, Mr. Food-O-Matic.” Tommy shouted in a gleeful voice while jumping up and down.
“I’m not your friend, I can’t even stand the sight of your skinny freakish self.” replied Mr. Food-O-Matic and Mr. Andy in unison.
While the three of them were talking an army had gathered below the building and were preparing to attack the person who was decimating their city.
Mr. Andy looked over the side of the building, and his eyes lit up like Tommys does when he sees Mr. Squirrel or Mr. Computer.
“Tommy I want you to stand on the edge of the building for me.” said Mr. Andy.
“It sounds dangerous, but I trust you Mr. Andy. Don’t shake Mr. Warehouse.” said Tommy.
As soon as Tommy got up on the edge a rain of bullets shot up at him and he just jumped out of the way in time.
“Gee Mr. Bullets No. 1-589 were sure happy to see me, did you see how they tried to hug me as soon as they saw me.”
Thwack! A knife went right past Tommys head and embedded itself into the wall next to Mr. Andy.
“Sorry, its this reflex I have when I hear Tommy say ‘Gee.” said Mr. Food-O-Matic.
“Oh-ho-ho Mr. Food-O-Matic, you’re so funny.” laughed Tommy.
“Tommy, I have an idea,” said Mr. Andy, “you are going to go talk to the army.” and Mr. Andy whispered something into his ear.
“Alright Mr. Andy I trust you,” said Tommy, “after can we get lemon pops?”
“Shutup and go Tommy!” replied Mr. Andy as he readied Island Slayer with the memory of his time spent in China going through his head.

When Tommy got down and out of the warehouse, he started talking to the army. “Hi Mr. French Legion Guy No. 25, gee, you must be awfully hot in that hat.” “How are you doing today Mr. Tassles, gee, I like how you wave in the wind like that.” “Gee, Mr. Knife you sure do look sharp, be careful or someone might get hurt.”
As Tommy pasted through the army on the way to the generals tent he made sure to say something to everyone he passed, and as Mr. Andy instructed, said “Gee” the entire time he was doing it.
Knives, forks, toothpicks, frying pans, a stove with the burners on, plastic spoons, glass, a kitchen sink, and a slushie just how Tommy likes it (with nails) were all being flung at Tommy from Mr. Food-O-Matic, and every time he missed Tommy, it hit Mr. French Legion. Every once in a while Tommy could hear Mr. Food-O-Matic yelling curses and various other phrases Tommy didn’t understand.
“I’ll have to ask my mom what that means when I get home,” Tommy told himself.
Tommy finally got to Mr. French General, and to his suprise Mr. French President was also there.
“Hi Mr. French General and Mr. French President, why do the women of this country have so much hair under their arms?” asked Tommy.
“Tommy you stupid little American, do you have any idea what you have done here? they asked him.
“Gee I just wanted to be friends with French people cause I read on the internet about how no one likes you.”
Thwack! Thwack! Big serving fork and a flaming serving spoon lodged into Mr. French Generals and Mr. French Presidents heads.
“Hmm, they must be tired, and thats why they laid down all of the sudden” thought Tommy.
Mr. Andy and Mr. Food-O-Matic met up with Tommy.
“Tommy Mr. Capital Building told me he wants you to be the new French president and stay with him forever.” Mr Andy lied.
“OH YEA! They wouldn’t let me in there before, I’m going to have so much fun talking with Mr. Desk, and Mr. Pencil, and Mr. Lamp, and Mrs. Curtains, and Dr. Memo No. 450.” cried Tommy with joy.
Mr. Andy and Mr. Food-O-Matic left Tommy at Mr. Capital Building and laughed the whole way out of France (while occasionally blowing stuff up with Island Slayer).

Tommy sighed, “I am so happy here with my new friends.”
“Hey Tommy see if you can stuff me all the way into your mouth,” yelled Mr. Oversized Pillow.
“Ouch! Dr. Memo No. 450 you gave me a paper cut.

Tommy’s Big Space Adventure Part 2: The Valley of the Sun (by Justin)

Tommy sat under a palm tree on the shore of the lake in center of the Valley On The Sun. The water here was cool and refreshing and little fish danced around under the water.
“Golly Mr. Palm Tree 32, what a nice day today. I’m going swimming soon.” A coconut fell from the tree and landed on Tommy’s foot.
“Ow, Mr. Palm Tree 32, I’m sure that was a mistake, so I’m not mad at you.” And Tommy hugged the tree. Another coconut fell and just missed Tommy’s head.
As he was walking towards the water, a flamingo flew down next to Tommy.
“AWK! Going swimming Tommy?”
“Yes Mr.. Flamingo, I’m a little warm, and it’s a nice day for swimming.”
“AWK! It sure is Tommy, be sure to let Mr.. Crocodile know that you are swimming today, I’m sure he would love to swim with you.”
“Hey, thanks Mr.. Flamingo you sure are a nice guy!”
“AWK-hahahaha-AWK.”
Tommy skipped to the edge of the water and took off his shirt. He jumped into the water and floated on his back in the cool, refreshing water and looked up at the sky. It was a bright, burning red/orange today, just like every day. As he floated there, Mr. Crocodile bobbed up next to him. He gave Tommy a toothy grin and said, “Tommy, swimming today are you? Nice day for it.”
“Mr. Crocodile! have you come to swim with me?”
“Kind of Tommy, kind of.” And he floated behind Tommy where Tommy couldn’t see him anymore.
“Gee”, and an antique set of fine silver table setting embedded itself into the crocodile’s skull and he sunk under the water a distant electronic “DARN IT!” was heard, “Sure is nice of you to come swim with me. Mr. Crocodile, are you there?” Tommy looked around and didn’t see Mr. Crocodile anymore.
“Hmmm, must have been tired.” and Tommy swam back to the beach.
He laid back under tree and ate one of the coconuts that had fallen. “I wonder what the other planets are like. I bet they are just as fun as the sun is. I should go to them.”
“AWK! Yes Tommy, get out of here, leave us in peace!”
“You’d miss me Mr. Flamingo.”
“Yea, like I’d miss having the plague Tommy.”
“I’m going for a walk, would you like to come Mr. Flamingo?”
“Will I be able to peck your eyes out?”
“Oh ho ho ho! You’re so funny Mr. Flamingo, I’ll see you later!”
“Not if I’m lucky.”
Tommy set off into the field towards the woods.
“Wow, Mr. Grass you sure are getting tall! I hope you get as tall as me some day.” A breeze made a blade of grass poke Tommy in the eye.
“Hi, Mr. Antelope! Where’s the rest of the herd today?”
“They heard you coming and stampeded.”
“And you stayed just to see me? You’re the best Mr. Antelope.” Tommy hugged Mr. Antelope with a big grin on his face.
“Touch me again kid, and you’ll see the business end of these horns.”
“Oh ho ho ho! I love you Mr. Antelope, bye bye!”
“Little rat….”
Tommy skipped towards the woods, “Hi, Mrs. Lion.” on his way by.
“AUGH! Tommy come help me!” Yelled Mr. Antelope.
“Aww, Mr. Antelope and Mrs. Lion are playing, how sweet. I wish I could play with them, but they’re too big for me to play with.”
“I’m coming back for you kid! Blllarrrhhhahwohahwoa.”
Tommy got the woods and breathed in the deep woodsy smell of the forest. “I love it here.” and he skipped into the woods.
“Oh bugger, are you back again. Haven’t you been eaten by anything yet?” Said Mr. Chipmunk.
“Who would want to eat me, everyone loves me!”
“Sad, so sad.” and he jumped back down his burrow.
“I wish I had a burrow to go in, then I’d invite Mr. Chipmunk over for tea and crumpets!”
Deeper in the woods Tommy came to the stream. He stopped and took a drink from the water. A snake head looked up at him from the water as he drank.
“Mr. Water Moccasin! You’re looking well today.”
“I just ate my young and a school of small fish, if I could eat anything else, it’d be you. Although I suppose I could just bite you and eat you after I’ve digested this food in 2 weeks.”
“Golly, that sounds fun. But I think I’m going to go visit some other planets.”
“You’re leaving? That’s great! We can go back to normal!”
“Oh ho ho ho”, a coconut dropped out of the sky and landed with a thud next to Tommy’s hand and splashed water all over him. “You’d miss me, Mr. Water Moccasin. Want to come with me?”
Mr. Water Moccasin gave him a contemptuous look and slithered away.
“I think I’ll leave today, I’m sure all my friends on the space ship will be happy to see me again, especially Mr. Food-O-Matic.”
A cheer erupted from all sides of the forest. “Sounds like everyone will miss me! I’ll miss them all too.” A roll of toilet paper flew over Tommy’s head and a wolf skipped past Tommy singing.
When he got back to the beach, Tommy packed up his backpack and set off towards the spaceship. The singing and cheering could still be heard as he stepped into the ship.
“Hi everyone, I’m back! Did you all miss me?”
“Beep.”
“No.”
A slab of raw beef flew out of the kitchen and hit Tommy in the face.
“Lets go to Mercury Mr. Computer, my Mommy said Mercury was a car, and I’d like to see a big car floating in space!”
“Can’t I just blow the ship up and end our miserable lives?”
“Oh ho ho ho”, a loud thud sounded on the side of a spaceship, “You like to joke, that’s for sure, Mr. Computer.”
And with the sound of the beeping computer, Tommy laid on his bed and went to sleep dreaming of a big floating car in space.

Hooray…I’m Inadequate!!!

The French army are like the star wars storm troopers…completely inadequate.

The French Fight Back!!!

“Andy Hockenbery is like an American trying to speak french in Paris…awkward!”
-By Gracia Marquis

Tommy’s Big Space Flight to the Sun (by Justin)

Tommy looked out the window of the space ship. The earth was like a huge, moldy blueberry, with all the green and blue. He smiled brightly as he took in the vastness of space. “I’m so happy to be visiting the sun Mr. Astronaut.”
“Beep.” Said Mr. Astronaut.
“I agree, it is a nice day today. How long until we are there Mr. Computer?”
“ETA 33 years until Tommy is burnt to a crisp and out of our lives forever.”
“Oh gee! Only 33 more years! I think I’ll take a nap and when I get up maybe we’ll be there.”
“We can only hope Tommy, that will make this long ride infinitely more enjoyable not having to see your ugly mug.”
“Good night Mr. Computer, I love you too.”
“I hope you choke on your own tongue Tommy.”
So Tommy went into his chamber, still smiling and humming.
“Gee, 33 years and I’ll be in the Sun. Mommy said it’d be fun there and all the little forest animals and I will be happy to play with me there. I could sure use some hot chocolate before I go to bed. Mr. Food-O-Matic, can I please have some Hot Chocolate?”
“Coming right up Tommy, enjoy!”, said Mr. Food-O-Matic.
It was really good hot chocolate once Tommy picked out the razor blades and thumbtacks. “Gee thanks, Mr. Food-O-Matic, you’re the best.”
“Note to self, create more antifreeze to put in Tommy’s hot chocolate.”
“Is that to keep my Hot Chocolate warm, Mr. Food-O-Matic?”
“Sure. If that shuts you up.”
After his Hot Chocolate Tommy yawned and laid down in his bed and fell asleep. He dreamed of dancing on the Sun with Mr. Squirrel, and Mr. Macaw, and Mr. Wolf, and Mr. Turtle, and Mr. Food-O-Matic. Singing and dancing in the forests and ponds on the far side of the sun where Mommy said there was no fire and finally never trouble her again. Tommy sat up and said to himself, “Gee…” And ducked as a steak knife flew out of the Food-O-Matic and embedded itself in Tommy’s headboard.
“Keep up the Gee Tommy, see how far you get!” Yelled Mr. Food-O-Matic.
“Nice shot, Mr. Food-O-Matic! Share and Enjoy!”
“How long now, Mr. Computer?”
“Tommy, you slept for 20 minutes, it’s still 33 years. Now leave me alone, you don’t need to talk to me for the rest of the trip.”
“Oh, you’d miss me Mr. Computer.”
“Yea Tommy, like a Trojan virus in my upper memory.”
“Ha ha Mr. Computer, I love you.”
“Get lost Tommy, isn’t there anywhere you could be right now?”
And as a matter of fact, there was! Tommy went and visited the storage hangar, where cardboard trees and grass and lakes had been set up to make Tommy feel at home.
“Hello, Mr. Cardboard Squirrel! Looking good today!”
The Cardboard Squirrel stared at him malevolently.
“Thanks, Mr. Cardboard Squirrel, I do feel good. Mr. Cardboard Macaw, how are you today?”
A dollop of white cardboard landed on Tommy’s forehead.
“Oh ho ho ho, Mr. Cardboard Macaw, you’re funny. Where’s Mr. Cardboard Turtle?”
Propped up against a cardboard tree was Mr. Cardboard Turtle.
“Mr. Cardboard Turtle, would you like some cardboard fish for lunch?”
The tree that Mr. Cardboard Turtle was leaning against fell over and hit Tommy in the top of the head. A tiny cardboard grin crossed Mr. Cardboard Turtle’s face.
“Owie, now my head is sad. I’m going back to my bed.”
Tommy walked to his bed and laid down again and fell right asleep.
When Tommy woke up it was considerably brighter in the shuttle.
“Mr. Computer are we close now?”
“Buggerit all kid, you slept for a day, it’s still 33 years! Ask me again and I’m shutting off your oxygen.”
“Gee,” A thud sounded behind Tommy and the end of a kabob skewer stuck through the wall, “I’m so excited I can’t wait much longer. Mr. Astronaut, can you turn the speed to run. I always go faster when I run.”
“Beep.”
“Ok, thanks. Maybe that’ll get us there faster.”
“Beep.”
“What are you going to do at the Sun, Mr. Astronaut.”
“BEEP”
“I hope you can do that there.”
Tommy spent the rest of the day swimming in the cardboard lake with the cardboard fishes. Mr. Cardboard Turtle only bit him four times too. All in all, it was a good day for Tommy. That night, after a nice meal of chicken noodle soup that only had 3 or 4 chunks of jagged metal, Tommy watched out the window at space. He missed his mom and her hot chocolate. He started to feel sad.
“I know what’ll cheer me up!”
“I’m not playing with you Tommy.” Said Mr. Computer.
“Beep.” said Mr. Astronaut.
A quivering spork in the back of his seat was the only answer he got from Mr. Food-O-Matic.
“I’m going outside for a while.” Said Tommy.
As he slipped into his suit, he heard everyone cheering and laughing. A champagne cork flew past his head from where Mr. Food-O-Matic was.”All my friends are so nice, I wish they could come out and play with me.”
The airlock door opened and Tommy went outside, walking along the spaceship to a lawn chair that was bolted to the top.
“What a nice day. Mr. Sun sure is bright out here. I can’t wait to see him close up.”
“Tommy, you know when you get there it’s going to burn you horribly, but quickly, right?” said Mr. Alien.
“Mr. Alien! I missed you!”
Mr. Alien pulled out the metal rod that he always carried with him. “Time to play What Did Tommy eat today.”
“Oh gee!”, a light plink from underneath him sounded, “That’s a fun game!”
“You sicken me Tommy, I’m outta here. If the rest of you people are like this, taking over your planet will be cake.”
“Can I have some cake too Mr. Alien”
“Xarquan’s Singing Fish.” and Mr. Alien took off .
Tommy waved and smiled. “Mr. Alien is nice. Time to eat some dinner.”
So Tommy went back inside and took off his suit. He pulled a set of barbeque tongs from the ceiling and shook his head laughing, “Oh, that Mr. Food-O-Matic.”
“I want something different Mr. Food-O-Matic. How about cheerios and sausages.”
A loud Ding! sounded when Mr. Food-O-Matic was done. A steaming bowl of sausages and cheerios came out. Milk poured in and a spoon popped out and bounced off Tommy’s forehead. Smiling to himself and rubbing his forehead , Tommy ate his dinner, picking out the broken glass from the sausages.
“Curse it!” Said Mr. Food-O-Matic.
“Mr Computer, do you have anything that will make me sleep longer? So when i wake up, we’ll almost be there.”
“I could get Mr. Astronaut to hit you upside the head with his fist. That’ll knock you out for a while.”
Everything went suddenly white and Tommy, smiling again, fell asleep.
Time passed……
and passed some more……
and passed even longer……
“Good morning Mr. Computer! How much longer today?”
“Tommy, this is the 12044th time you’ve asked me since we left. Do the math you little freak.”
“Ok, ummm 33 years times, how many days in a year Mr. Astronaut?”
“Beep.”
“Thanks, so 33 years times 365, is uh, um, uhhh, ummm…”
“12045 idiot.”
“Thanks Mr. Computer! That means only one more day and we’ll be there!”
“Thank the stars for that, tomorrow you’ll be out of my misery!”
“I’m going to go outside and watch it!”
“Wow, so we’ll be free even earlier. Go for it.”
Outside, Tommy sat in his lawnchair watching their approach to the sun.
“Sure is bright out here. Kinda warm too. I think I’ll go to the beach once I land.”
“Tommy, tomorrow is your last day in the universe. Me and the guys inside are going to party it up.”
“Oh gee a party!” Clink. Clink. Clink. Clank. CLank, CLANNNGGGG!
“Peace out Tommy, won’t be seeing you tomorrow.”
“Bye Mr. Alien!”
Back inside, Tommy was so excited he didn’t notice the cutlery, and a big deer antler sticking in the ceiling.
“I can’t even sleep Mr. Computer and Mr. Astronaut, I’m too excited!”
“Beep.”
That night, Tommy ate a big dinner that may or may not have had steel wool. He laid in his bed and looked out the window, the spaceship had a neat orange glow to it now. “A couple more hours and I’ll be there. I need a good night’s sleep so I can play tomorrow!” So he fell asleep, dreaming of singing and dancing on the sun.
The next day he woke up to brightness and he was sweating a bit.
“Are we there Mr. Astronaut?”
“Beep.”
Tommy put on his spacesuit after getting a popsicle from Mr. Food-O-Matic. He walked outside and stepped onto the ground.
“Sure is bright here. Hot too. I don’t see any forest animals or lakes or trees though. Maybe I need to walk to them over that hill there.”
And sure enough, over the hill was a big green valley with a river running right down the middle of it to a big lake.
Smiling, he set off to his next big adventure.

Dr. Boom’s: How Andy Stole Christmas

Every Noob
Down in Noob-ville
Liked Christmas a lot….

But Andy and his Island Slayer
Who lived just north of Noob-ville
Did NOT!

Andy hated Christmas! The whole Christmas stinkin’ season, and he will blow you up if you ask for a reason.
It could be his head just wasn’t right.
Or perhaps his underwear was too tight. But I think, I will take a chance,
And guess it was that all those Noobs were from France.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His head, underwear, or their stupid berets.Andy stood there on Christmas Eve, and knew he hated those surrender monkey Noobs on any given day.

Staring down from his cave through his scope with a frown at the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For Andy knew every Noob down in Noob-ville beneath was busy now, hanging their pastry puff wreath.

“And they’re hanging their stockings!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s almost here!”
Then Andy growled, with his finger twitching dangerously close to Island Slayer’s trigger,
“I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”
For tomorrow, he knew…

All the Noob girls and boys
Would wake bright and early. They’d rush for their toys!
And then! Oh the noise! Oh the noise! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Thats the one thing he hated!
Well thats not true, he hated the fact that their women were hairy, and how they were always waving that stupid white flag.
“I surrender,” was almost all he ever heard, you think through their boring history they could come up with another word. Their nation did produce those sweet little candies, but the world looked at the French as just multiplying the pansies.
His reasons for hating them could go on and on.

After the presents
The Noobs, young and old, all ugly alike
Would sit down to feast
And they’d FEAST! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!
Stupid gits, they’d eat so much they’d have to be rolled home.
They would feast on Noob-pudding, and rare Noob-roast-beast.
This was something Andy couldn’t stand in the least.

And THEN!
They’d do something
He liked least of all!
Those Noobs down in Noob-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, stench and all, with Christmas bells ringing,
They’d stand hand in hand.
And the Noobs would start singing that nasally screech.

They’d screech and they’d screech. SCREECH! SCREECH! SCREECH!
And the more Andy thought of this Noob-Christmas-screeching,
The more he thought, “I must stop this whole thing!”
Why, for one whole year he had put up with this now (no one said Andy was patient).
I MUST stop Christmas from coming!”
“But How?”

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
An Andy idea!
Andy got a glorious, awful, Andy idea.
It did not bode well for the Noobs
As soon as Andy got in one of these moods.

“I know just what to do!” Andy laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Santa hat and coat.
He chuckled and he laughed as he thought about the death and destruction he would bring to pass.

“I could just blow them all off the ground, but if i wear this disguise i can wander around, and steal what I want from their stupid town.

“All I need is a reindeer…,” he thought to himself.
Andy looked around.
But, since all the reindeer in the area were dust on the wind from Andy using them as target practice for his Island Slayer, he couldn’t use one of those.
Did that get Andy down, NO!
He went out and wrestled a grizzly bear down.
Antlers tied to its head,
Andy was now ready to go make those Noobs dead.

Then,
He loaded some bags, and a huge empty sack
And made sure Island Slayer lay across his back.
To a sleek little sleigh he hooked up the bear,
and proceeded down the mountain with speed and no care.

All the windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Noobs were all dreaming sweet dreams without care.
When Andy came to the first ugly french house in the square.
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.

Then he slid down the chimney without so much as a squeeze.
When he got down he took a look around.
All the little Noob stockings were hung in a row.
Andy said to himself, “These will be the first things to blow!”

Then he crawled and he snuck, while a smile on his face,
And every single present he did replace.
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums! Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!

He replaced these gifts with gunpowder, dynamite, nitroglycerine galore. He even put a hydrogen bomb in a box on the floor, next to the tree he carved out of C4.

Next he went to the icebox with care.
He cleaned it out and left a single exploding flare.

Then he stuffed all the toys and food he replaced up the chimney with glee, and even took the old christmas tree.

Andy grabbed the tree, and he started to shove,
When he heard a small sound like a nasally dove.
He turned around fast, and saw a small ugly Noob!
Little Laquisha-Rafonda Noob, who wasn’t more than two.

Andy had been caught by this ugly Noob daughter,
Who’d got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at Andy, beholding the sight, and asked, “Santy Claus, why? Why are you taking the Christmas tree?

But Andy was quick, he didn’t hesitate, he told her broken Christmas lights he did hate.
“I’ll take it to my shop, fix it up there, then bring it back here.”

And his lie fooled the child. “Stupid git,” thought Andy.
He patted her on the head, not a little ruff, he laid her out cold, and threw her into bed.
He wasn’t at all sorry, she hit her head.

He went back to the chimney and stuffed up the tree.
Then he reached down took the log for the fire, and replaced it with as much TNT as his heart did desire.

Then he did the same thing to every other Noobs houses.

It was quarter past dawn…
All the Noobs still in bed
All the Noobs still a-snooze
When he packed up his sled.
Packed up their presents, feast, ribbons, and toys.

Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
He rode with his load to the tiptop to dump it.
And dump he did without hesitation, then he turned around to cause more devistation.

Andy found a nice perch where he could see the town, he swung Island Slayer around, put the scope to his eye and said to himself, “Ok you french Noobs, prepare to die!”
He fired one shot
And put a hand to his ear.

Then came a joyous sound to Andy’s ear,
explosions, blasts, and the Noobs dying screams.
Bangs, and Booms echoed in the crisp air, then came the hydrogen bombs….
To disperse the Noobs ashes without care.

Andy looked down on the crater he created,
he smiled and was pleased.
No more nasally screeching, no more white flags. All that was left was a couple of extra frags.

Prelude to Dr. Boom’s: How Andy Stole Christmas (by Tom)

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
One soul was stirring, but it wasn’t a mouse.
Andy sat waiting all day and all night
For the fat jolly man to enter his sight.
Island Slayer rested, set down on his knee
As Andy waited, restless with glee.
Poor Santa will never know what hit him,
He’ll blow him to bits,
And all the presents will be Andy’s
Those poor little gits.

Tommy (by Justin)

Tommy M was walking through the woods one evening when Mr Squirrel came by with a sack full of Beechnuts.
“Hi Mr Squirrel, what is there in your sack?” asked little Tommy.
“Read the previous line up you shmuck and leave my sack alone.” said Mr Squirrel.
“Mr Squirrel you’re awful cantankerous today! I think you need a hug!”
“Hug me kid and this won’t be the only thing I’m going to bury today.”
So Mr Squirrel skittered off into the woods, leaving little Tommy alone.
Tommy was sad after Mr Squirrel was mean to him. He started to snuffle a little bit, but said , “I’m a big boy! I’m not going to cry!” And he didn’t. So, Tommy kept walking through the woods, looking for his woodland friends to talk to and play with. “SCRAWWWWW!!!!” said Mr. Macaw, “Hi Tommy!”
“Mr. Macaw! So good to see you!”
“SCRAWWW!! Same to you Tommy, what are you doing in the woods today?”
“Walking, Mr. Macaw, talking to all my woodland friends.”
“SCRAWWW!! But we all hate you Tommy, especially Mr Squirrel. Now shutup Tommy and go away!”
Mr. Macaw flew off into Mr. Beech Tree No 475 and ruffled his tail feathers at Tommy.
“You guys don’t hate me.” mumbled Tommy, who was getting sad again. “I’ll find my other friends.”
Down the trail further Tommy sat down on a log to rest. He took off his shoes and put his feet into the stream. He wiggled his toes and thought to himself, “I wonder if my toes will get any bigger?”. Then out of the water crawled Mr. Snapping Turtle and looked up at him. “Tommy, why do you still come here?”
“To see all my woodland friends, Mr. Snapping Turtle. And how are you this fine day.”
“I’m hungry and you wiggling your toes like that makes me hungrier. So unless you want ‘em bitten off, I’d suggest you stop that.”
“Oh ho ho ho Mr. Turtle you’d never hurt me.”
“Tommy, I’d eat you alive right now if I had a bigger mouth. Make yourself useful and bring me something to eat. Freak.” And he swam back under the water.
“Oooo, Mr Turtle needs my help! I’m going to get him the best lunch ever!” And Tommy ran deeper into the woods. It was starting to get late, Tommy knew, but he wasn’t afraid of Mr. Dark at all. His woodland buddies would be there with him. And he smiled as he skipped through the woods, looking for Mr Turtles lunch. A few minutes later, Tommy came upon another stream, and there swimming around in there was Mr. and Mrs. Perch 1-22.
“Mr. Turtle likes eating fish! That’s for sure!” Tommy jumped in the water and started to catch the fish.
“Tommy, what have we ever done to you!” yelled the perch as he plucked them out of the water and onto the shore.
“You stink Tommy! We’re going to get you for this!”
Whistling, Tommy caught the rest of the perch and putting them in his bag he skipped back to where Mr. Turtle was.
“Mr. Turtle, I have your lunch!”. Tommy took the perch out of his bag and put them on the ground. Mrs. Perch 5 whispered to him, “I hope you die a horrible death, Tommy. Gurrrrggggglllee.”
Mr Turtle came up out of the water and ate a few of the wish, urinated on Tommy’s foot and waded back into the water.
“You’re welcome Mr. Turtle!” said Tommy, waving after him.
” …te me, Tommy.” Was all Tommy heard as Mr. Turtle dunked under the water.
“He’s my buddy, I love Mr. Turtle.”
It was getting quite late and the forest was starting to get dark. “I think I’ll go home now.”
Tommy was skipping back down the path whistling to himself, not far from home, when Mr. Owl flew past Tommy. “Whoooo is going to die tonight?” he said as he flew by Tommy.
“Oh ho ho ho! Mr. Owl, you’re so funny.”
“Run Tommy, run!”
The woods were now almost pitch black and Timmy was having a hard time seeing to far in front of him. “Home is close by, and I’ll get a hug from mom, and drink some hot chocolate and sit by the fire.” Little did Tommy know that on the trail ahead Mr. Wolf was sitting licking himself. Whistling happily Tommy was skipping along when BAM! Tommy fell flat on his face in a mass of smelly fur and sharp things.
“The H-monkeys are you doing Tommy? Watch where you’re going.” growled Mr. Wolf.
“Sorry, Mr. Wolf, it’s dark and so are you!”
“All I hear are excuses. Now go away before I eat you.”
“Oh ho ho ho, Mr Wol….”
“IF I HEAR OH HO HO HO ONE MORE TIME, I’LL CUT YOU!” yelled Mr. Macaw. “SCRAWWWW”
“Mr Wolf, do you think my toes will get any bigger?”
“Keep asking me questions like that and the only thing that’s going to get bigger is my stomach.”
“Is that a yes, Mr. Wolf?”
“You sicken me kid.” and Mr. Wolf walked away into the woods, where he caught and ate Mr. Rabbit. “Tommy save me!’ yelled Mr. Rabbit while Mr. Wolf feasted on his still living body.
“Ha ha ha, Mr Rabbit, you’re such a kidder!”
“I will end you boy! AHHHHHH!”
A few minutes later Tommy saw the light in the window of his house. His mom was in the kitchen, probably making his hot chocolate right now. He smiled brightly and walked inside. “Mommy, I’m home! I helped Mr. Turtle get his lunch!”
“I don’t care Tommy, Mr. Turtle hates you, so does the rest of them.”
“They are just fooling when they say that Mommy.”
“No really, everyone hates you Tommy, you’re 28 years old and still skipping and whistling in the woods calling everything Mr. or Mrs. It’s sick and unnatural. Just like you.”
“Do you think my toes will get any bigger mommy?”
“Sure, whatever, here’s your hot chocolate.”
“Oh boy, hot chocolate! You’re the best mommy.”
“Shutup Tom.”

THE END!

Mr. Andy goes to Washington

It was another boring day in the office, and I was gathering memos at an astounding rate from my 13 and a half bosses (the 1/2 was a lady, they don’t really count), and saving them for a nice cubicle bon fire for that afternoon’s “demo’s on how to make boring time more fun” with my idiotic coworkers. The demo was going well until some newbie to the company ran over with a fire extinguisher and started spraying it everywhere. I quickly grabbed Island Slayer (my bazooka, yes it has a name) and swung it at him. It connected with his head and he went crashing through the buildings 15th floor window. “Darn newbie”, I thought, “he left his fire extinguisher right on my chair.” So with a well-placed throw I hit him in the stomach with it and he was reacquainted with the last thing he used. Anyways, back to the story…Looking up from my game of penguin baseball, I was not surprised to see my main boss, Mr. Pinecroch about to hand me another memo. As he handed it to me, he told me, “Mr. Andy we are sending you to Washington.” I read the memo, it was true, I was going to Washington D.C. Apparently some senator had asked for me to come work with him on a new project, and since I was the best at what I do, he wanted me. So that night I left for Washington. I arrived and immediately went to see Senator Pusey Qualgin. After talking with him I found out that he was going to run for president. He didn’t think he had a chance, which I completely agreed with considering he had long hair, a very thin mustache, wore headbands, was French, and kept saying “I surrender” at random times during our conversation. I agreed to help the poor guy. The next day he introduced me to quite a few of the politicians in the government. Everything was going very well, I was controlling my temper and had not killed anyone with Island Slayer the entire day, until I was introduced Senator Melvin Washerback. He was talking, which in itself was enough reason to kill him because of the unusual decibels he was throwing around, but he actually had the gull to try and convince me “France is a nice country.” His body was disintegrated before he knew what hit him. And since I had Island Slayer out I figured, why stop there? I was ending lives with unusual ease; the guy who said “firearms should be banded”…done, the lady who said, “Women’s sports are just as exciting as men’s”…didn’t have a chance, the old guy who was creaking as he walked…I did him a favor, and the president who came in to see what the ruckus was all about and actually tried to set his secret service on me…well, looks like we are going to need to have an election year earlier than planned. I didn’t stop there though; I went through Washington like a French commander goes through ink signing peace treaties. The capitol building…. ashes, cherry blossoms…just following George Washington’s motto of cutting them down, the senate and house of congress…they won’t be missed, the Supreme Court…. Andy is the Supreme Court now, the white house…I changed its color to burning embers, the FBI and CIA…not. Everyone I saw, except the hot dog vendor (I was hungry) was utterly destroyed. Senator Qualgin, somehow managing to keep up, was very delighted, he gave me a hearty “VERY NICE!!!!.” He expressed his thoughts about how it was going to be much easier to win the presidency now. I turned and said “Tais toi” as I smiled at him, raised Island Slayer and blew him to I-surrender-land, the home of his fathers. I then used the public broadcast system to inform the world, “Mr. Andy has come to Washington.” My first act as president was a “demo on how to make boring time more fun”…nuclear bombs and how to get rid of memos. Yes you guessed it, laser-guided nuke directly into Mr. Pinecroch’s office.

Night of the Killer Mangos

     A little black boy deep in the rainforest of the Amazon River Basin decided to take a walk one day. He had just turned 13, and been circumcised (which is the tribal custom to mark manhood of the Whenagollyhitsme tribe). This ritual was to be done without a sound out of the boy, he cried like a French woman getting a fully body wax for the first time. Because he didn’t adhere to the ritual rules, he would remain a boy until his 21st birthday. He was not only in a ton of pain still; he was upset that he wasn’t considered a man. So he just started to wander down a path that led away from his village towards the Amazon River. He was thinking about the ritual and how he had screamed like he was standing on a pile of fire ants, when he looked up he realized he had no idea where he was or how long he had been walking. It was getting dark out, so he started to try to figure out what way was the way back to his village. He could heard the river aways on his left, but then he thought he could hear the river on his right too. So he just decided to go to the right. He had only been walking about 10 minutes when he came to an opening in the rainforest. In the middle of the opening he could make out a bunch of trees, in the middle of the trees was a fire. He decided someone must be camping out and since he couldn’t get back to his village that night he would have to camp out also. There was a little hunchbacked aborigine sitting at the fire. The boy went up to the man and asked him if he could spend the night at the fire. The aborigine didn’t mind. They got talking and it turns out that the trees that were around them were mango trees. There was nothing in the world that the boy liked more than mangos. The aborigine also told the boy that these were no ordinary mangos, they held magical powers. The boy went to the trees and picked a bunch of mangos. He ate a couple and they were delicious. The next morning the aborigine told the boy how to get home. When the boy got home he told everyone about the mango trees (they are apparently a delicacy within this tribe). The entire tribe decided to follow the boy to the mango trees, their plan was to bring a whole tree back. The boy somehow led them back to the mango trees (although he kept thinking he saw the hunchbacked aborigine ahead of the tribe). So the tribe arrived at the trees at dusk. They decided to stay under the trees where the boy and the aborigine stayed a couple nights before. The boy was bewildered though; there was no trace of a fire or camp whatsoever. He started getting a weird feeling in his stomach. But then people started passing around mangos, everyone was eating them. The boy decided not to eat any; he just had a feeling that something was wrong. During the night the trees started to sway back and forth violently, but there was no wind. The entire tribe was screaming in horror, the boy watched as they ran around among the mango trees while their stomachs grew and eventually blew out their innards all over the place. Out of the stomachs came little hunchbacked aborigines. The boy sat in horror. He couldn’t believe what he saw. The aborigines came over to him stuffed a mango down his throat. The same thing happened to him. So the entire tribe disappeared from the Amazon River Basin. The one person (the chief) who stayed behind in
the village didn’t hear anything for days, so he went looking for his tribe. He stumbled upon the mango grove that day, when he saw them he said “OOOOWWW, mangos.” Little did he know what was going to happen.