Random French Jokes

1. Evolutionists have it wrong…only French people came from the apes (how else would you explain all the hair?)
2. The only reason they burned Joan of Arc at the stake…she fought back.
3. The French government killed the designer of the statue of liberty for misrepresenting the country…the statue of liberty only has one arm raised, not two.
4. Why does coffee taste so bad?…Its made from ground up French people.
5. What’s the real reason cats hack up hairballs?…They eat French people.
6. Why were the Indians thankful at the first thanksgiving?… It wasn’t the French who got off the boat.
7. Why were the Pilgrims thankful at the first thanksgiving?… The French were now on the other side of the ocean.
8. What was it that John Smith saw in Pocahontas?… She wasn’t French.
9. What scares Asians more than Godzilla?…French people.
10. How did God curse the people of earth after they built the tower of Babel?…He made French people.
11. General Custer would still be alive today if he was French.
12. The French have been occupied by Germany so many times that when French kids are born they are given dual citizenship.
13. According to the “Code of the French Soldier,” they “master their own strength, respect the opponent and are careful to spare civilians. They obey orders while respecting laws, customs of war and international conventions.” …Yup, every time they surrender they do all of these.
14. French hunting season for Germans is like a Kwiki-Mart…open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.
15. The French border patrol is like toll booth attendants…they don’t stop anyone from going through.
16. France is like a trash can…full of garbage.
17. Invading France is about as hard as crossing a line in the sand…all you really need to worry about is stepping on something sharp.
18. French battles are like Hollywood marriages…short.
19. French history is like a history professor in college…old and boring.
20. French history is like a five year old receipt…you might as well throw it out.
21. French jokes are like the lamb chops song…never ending.
22. The French alphabet only has 7 letters….I, S, U, R, E, N, D
23. A French man trying to fight you is like Gracia mocking me out about these jokes…not threatening in the least.
24. Reading these French jokes are like looking at a bad accident scene…you want to stop looking but you just can’t.
25. CNN took a poll on which armies’ scared people the most…the French army came in last, right behind army ants.

 

 

 

The French

 

1.  Did you know the French are actually pretty smart…yup, they know how to say “I surrender” in all of the 6912 known languages.

2.  The French get more votes in the U.N….they vote with both hands.

3.  The French are like Indians…always getting their land taken from them.

4.  The French do know how to throw a good party…considering all they time they’ve spent hosting the Germans.

5.  The French on the beach are like Adam and Eve, and Joe Pesci…usually nude and always hairy.

6.  The French are like a baby’s diaper…there is we-we everywhere.

7.  The French are like middle school boys…always touching each other.

8.  The French are like middle school boys…annoyingly stupid.

9.  The French are like a boy’s locker room…stinky.

10.  The French are like Dunkin Donuts sandwiches…cheesy and fake.

11.  The French are like a streaker…scrawny, nude, and always show up where you don’t want them.

12.  The French are like Richard Simmons…arms in the air, dancing around yelling “ooooo.”

13.  The French are like an old diaper…smelly and used.

14.  The French are like a roasting mouse…they smell like a combination of smoke and cheese.

15.  The French are like mosquitoes…annoying and you wonder why they are even on earth.

16.  The French are like having derrick ottoman on your paintball team…useless.

17.  The French are like listening what politicians are saying…waste of time.

18.  The French are like a Halloween party…full of ugly faces.

19.  The French are like President Bush…always getting mocked.

20.  The French are like a baseball player in a 0-2 count.

21.  The French defending a fort are like a rich mans butler…they let you in and offer you food and wine.

22.  The French are like hearing what Tom has to say…SHUTUP TOM.

23.  French outfits are like the joke about Tom…just doesn’t make sense.

24.  The French are like a margarita…salty and always have liquor in them.

25.  The French are like Cousin It…there’s hair everywhere.

26.  The French are like invertebrates…no backbone.

27.  The French are like a pencil when the Germans come to town…full of lead.

28.  The French are like Chuck Norris’s victims…easily beaten.

29.  The French are like the dumb blonde girl in a horror flick…all screams and running away.

30.  The French are like a person with a cold…all nasally and get beat up by the tiniest of opponents.

31.  The French are like the poodle on dumb and dumber with mustard all over it…dirty and unmanicured.

32.  The French women are like men…they don’t shave their legs or under their arms.

33.  The French are like a marshmallow rolled through someone’s arm pit…soft and hairy.  

34.  The French are like rich people in the woods…miserable, and need help.

French Inventions

1.  The French invented the aqualung; it is a devise that allows a person to stay under water for several hours…it was later revised by the French army so they could stay under water throughout World War 2.

2.  The French invented the battery, which is used in almost everything the French need…vehicles for retreating, flashlights for hiding in caves, and cell phones to call the U.S. for help.

3.  The French invented the bicycle…hey, its faster than running away!

4.  Telescopes, invented by the French, so they could watch the battle from their hiding spots.

5.  Electric iron, invented by the French so the surrendering general would look good in front of the Germans.

6.  The guillotine, something the French used on their own people…well they finally did something right!

7.  The French made the hot air balloon…big white ones; they’re so much easier to see than the small white flags.

8.  Mayonnaise, invented by the French…its first use was to keep their hair matted down on their body so it wouldn’t stick out of their clothes.

9.  Parachute…invented by the French army in case they ever came to a cliff during their retreats.

10.  Pencil, invented by the French so they could make their surrender legal and binding.

11.  Rayon, invented by the French…it’s the epitome of cool.

12.  The French invented the sewing machine…how else would they make their white surrender flags?

The French Army

1. French army men arms are like the Eiffel tower…they stick straight up in the air and are the nations best-recognized symbol.
2. Napolean winning battles with a French army is like America electing Barrack Obama president…it just doesn’t fit in with the rest of history.
3. When the French army generals get together to discuss battle strategy they just watch the movie, “run lola, run!”
4. In war, if you don’t know where the enemy is, go toward the French battalion running at you.
5. The French army started the wave….one persons arms go up and they all do.
6. A battle without the French army is like a concert without britney spears…it goes a lot better.
7. The French army helping you in battle and sin…stay as far away from both as possible.
8. The French army showing up to help you in a battle is like a Jehovah witness showing up at your door…enough said.
9. The French army is like using Canadian coins in a vending machine…worthless.
10. The French army didn’t fight to keep the Germans out of France, they just tried giving them the cold shoulder…apparently Germans can’t take a hint. (Giving the cold shoulder- Originated in France. When a guest had overstayed their welcome, the hosts would give them a cold piece of mutton as a hint to leave.)
11. The number to French army conquests equals the number to Canadian gold medals in the 2008 Olympics…zero (Makes a lot of sense considering Canadians are Frenchmen who say “aye.”)
12. The French army should consider recruiting all French women from now on…that way when they surrender, the hairy monster under their arms will trap and strangle the enemy.
13. A French army action doll was released recently…it has the official Foreign Legion hat and tassels, white flag, and peace treaty pen, and performs the basic French army move, surrendering.
14. The French army’s arms are like a couple of these jokes…they’re really stretching.
15. The French army is like some of these jokes…has plenty of dumb in them.
16. The French army is like a nerd’s jock strap…never been used.
17. The French army is the equivalent of the movie “manos hands of fate”…the worst ever.
18. The French army is like grass during the spring…always getting mowed down.
19. The French army is like a ninja task force…you never see them in battle.
20. The French army is like a know-it-all in school…they always have their hands raised.
21. The French army is like William Hung…horrible at what they do.
22. The French army is like a slave…always getting whipped.
23. The French army is like Andy…nothing to do but sit around and make up jokes.
24. The French army is like a canary…yellow bellied.
25. The French army is like a paintball team…they don’t use real guns.
26. The French army is like the beach…constantly getting beat on.
27. French army foxholes are like porta-johns…full of foul smelling things.
28. The French army is hazard…you never see them until you trip over them.
29. The French army is like some of these jokes…makes no sense to anyone.
30. The French army is like a joke…that’s it, a joke.
31. The French army is like the bad guys in movies…eyes clamped shut, screaming loudly, and shooting in all directions hoping to hit something.
32. The French army is like a funny joke…it makes you laugh.
33. French army victories are like a bride on her wedding day…all made up.
34. The French army is like Andy’s jokes about the French army…hilarious wastes of time.
35. The French army is like a fat person playing twister…they’re going down.
36. The French army is like what I got from other people while making these jokes…no help.
37. The French army is like a private in the army…always following someone else’s commands.
38. The French army in battle is like a captured criminal…tied up and weaponless.
39. The French army is like their country…always trapped between an enemy and water.
40. The French army is like the points on Whose Line is it Anyways?…don’t mean a thing.
41. The French army is like a dodo bird in a fight…nowhere to be found.
42. I took the day off to write these jokes…just like the French army did when the Germans invaded France.
43. The French army would have fought back if the Germans were wearing Lance Armstrong masks in 1942.
44. The French army is like a rich old lady in the woods…miserable and needs help.
45. The French army credo: United we surrender, divided we get shot.

My favorite french joke

French history is like rabbits and flowers…all they’re doing is multiplying the pansies.

You asked for it!

Ok so I really do hate blogging, but it was suggested to me that I start one so I could put all my jokes in one place. French jokes to be exact. No I don’t actually have anything against the French….well they do surrender a lot, and are quite nasally, but they seem to live in a nice country….that has been conquered hundreds of times, but thats besides the point. Yes I did make up all the jokes that will be posted on this website. And remember, if you are offended by these jokes, it’s not my fault….it’s your fault you’re French!